


Three Rejections To Your Heart

by LilacTree_928



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Happy ending though, I can't tag this anymore - my brain's kinda fried at 3 am, It's just full of emotional college students, Kinda, Lowkey based on the Theory of Love, M/M, Redemption, Revenge, That didn't go well though, There's a lot of cursing here so please beware, This is for Jeno's 2020 birthday 🥺
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-21
Updated: 2020-04-21
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:40:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23773996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilacTree_928/pseuds/LilacTree_928
Summary: For Jeno, this is a story of pain, heartbreak, and metamorphosis.For Jaemin, this is a story of realizations, redemption, and finding himself.However, this is just two boys knowing themselves a little bit better.
Relationships: Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 11
Kudos: 30
Collections: JenoZine Volume 2





	Three Rejections To Your Heart

**Author's Note:**

> #JZ025: "Jaemin likes attention especially if it came from the school nerd, Lee Jeno, who followed him around and do anything he said. Everyone knew this, that Lee Jeno is whipped for Jaemin but everything suddenly turned up side down. Well, it all started when Jaemin humiliated Jeno in front of everyone, which wasn't the first time but Jeno suddenly didn't want anything to do with Jaemin anymore and starting to befriend Jaemin's rival, Lee Donghyuck. Now, Jaemin want Jeno's attention back."
> 
> Happiest 20th (Internationally) Birthday to our funniest and most charming eye-smile, Jeno. 🥺
> 
> Alright, enough of that cringe.

“Hi Jaem!” A group of girls called out, giggling and blushing as the object of their attention merely tipped his head towards their direction. Jaemin smirks to himself, brooding and smug but totally adoring his effect on people despite merely breathing their way. He’s basking in attention, _adoration_ , and he’s not ashamed of feeling so. Rather, it constantly feeds his already massive ego.

Na Jaemin, objectively speaking, _should be_ nothing special. Average marks, average skills, but absolutely stunning. Yes, objectively speaking, as well, he’s an exquisite piece of humanity and even his most cruel critics wouldn’t dare contest that fact. He’s handsome and he loves using that to his advantage, _always_. Removing his airpods, he turned a corner and just as he expected, in front of his lockers, there stood the _apple_ of his eyes. Jaemin muses.

“J-Jaemin…” It was Lee Jeno, a member of the Cream of the Crop, or to put it bluntly, a traditional member of the _Nerds Club_ , as Jaemin loves to announce from time to time. Jeno, as usual, has his eyes downcast, his feet slightly shaking as his fingers fumble through the papers he’s clinging tightly on.

“A job well done, just like always. Thanks _Jen_.” Jaemin flashed one of his famous smiles which sent Jeno into a blushing mess. That little nickname really does wonders. “I-it was nothing. I’m always happy to offer my help.” Jaemin smirked internally at that. He doesn’t really plan on stopping his escapades which exploits Jeno. Smiling craftily, he pats Jeno’s right shoulder before taking the paperwork from Jeno’s clutch then walking away without so much a second glance from the boy who just gave his all to another boy who never gave his mind.

Jaemin felt like his day is starting pleasantly. Just like it always does.

Pitiful, pathetic, _stupid_ – these are the adjectives that are used when describing Lee Jeno with regards to his activities involving a certain individual named Na Jaemin. Without Na Jaemin in the equation, Lee Jeno is many things but those. He’s smart, kind, and good-looking in his own right – though that gets buried behind his large rimmed glasses, sweaters that keeps on drowning him, and unnecessarily large backpack which is an object of raised eyebrows inside the university. He’s still good-looking though and many is aware of that.

Which is why everyone is so appalled with all of his efforts towards Jaemin. Na Jaemin, to say the least, is every single thing but good news. And Jaemin’s harshest critiques knows and believes that Jeno could do better than _that_. Jeno pays them no heed though as he continues with his _noble_ efforts.

It shouldn’t be too much anyway, he’s always filled with paperwork and extracurricular, a little more won’t hurt especially if it will help Jaemin. To be frank, Jeno doesn’t even know what he wants out of all the effort he’s exerting towards Jaemin when the other was nothing short of an asshole especially towards him. He’s not sure if it’s because of a covert wish for his feelings to be finally reciprocated; is it his genuine trust that underneath the hard exterior, there is a heart hiding amidst it all; or maybe it’s really just plain idiocy.

His phone vibrated from his pocket. It was Donghyuck. “ _I thought you’d stop this, Jeno?_ ” It said. It was curt, short, and disappointed. Jeno smiled sadly as he lifted his head and looked around for his friend. Surely, Donghyuck was sitting on one of the benches just right in front of the building. His friend doesn’t look very amused witnessing the little exchange between Jeno and Jaemin from earlier. Jeno called him.

“Hey Duckie.” He greeted lowly, his eyes not leaving his friend who was leaning on Renjun unapologetically. “Hey yourself. I don’t even want to talk to you because you’re smart Lee Jeno, _you should know better_.” Donghyuck was staring straight at him as well, his face was expressionless but Jeno can feel the disappointment radiating off his friend even from a few yards away.

Smiling sadly, he looked down as his feet twists in and turn in place. “I’m sorry.” He muttered. Donghyuck sighed from the other line. “Why are you saying sorry to me?” Jeno looked up and saw the apathetic expression which his friend sports but his tone was saying otherwise. “Because I’m being a bad friend to you.” He replied and he saw Donghyuck raise an eyebrow before shaking his head, finally dropping his icy façade. “I understand you Jeno and I don’t mind, really, because by the end of each week, Mark and I have you cuddling with us like the little third-wheeler that you are.” He was smiling and Jeno felt his throat close up as his eyes burn.

“Mark and I don’t mind being little secrets, but Jeno, at least retain some self-respect for yourself.” Donghyuck, unlike his usual temper, just sounds so exasperated for him. Jeno could not blame him. Jeno smiled brightly at Donghyuck before shaking his head apologetically. “Maybe not today Hyuck. I’m sorry.” He hung up, guilt clawing at his throat but he swallowed it down, preferring to ducking his head and finally heading towards his first class.

‘ _I’m sorry Duckie, I’m sorry Mark hyung._ ’ He thought apologetically as he bit his lips in order to stop the tears that are threatening to engulf him. The little euphoria he had felt earlier from that little endearment totally vanished, replaced with nothing but gnawing guilt. Upon the first droplets of tears, Jeno finally decided to ditch his class and opted to hide in the recess of his little sanctuary even just for a little while.

It did not take him long to arrive at the greenhouse. Jeno blindly maneuvered his way around the little greenhouse and into the back part where a ratty, old couch welcomed him quite coldly. Jeno let out a smile as he threw his large backpack on one side and plopped on the other. He looked at the open roof, uncaring about the harsh sunlight and stubbornly willing his eyes to look straight at the sun.

Finally giving up, Jeno brought down his head and silently laughed at himself. ‘ _I really am a stubborn bastard._ ’ For just like his persistence to look at the sun, he silently persists and perseveres to slowly open up Jaemin’s heart. His eyes burned in irritation. Finally looking down, he wiped the stray tears that had escaped his lacrimal glands. Then it hit him.

At first, he hadn’t noticed it, for the greenhouse was very big and possessed holes everywhere, thus, the sound waves escaped his ears earlier. But now, as his hands tremble and his breath hitched, it couldn’t be mistaken. Standing up, he slowly walked around the couch and looked nervously at the wall behind the couch. It was made of slowly decaying wood. As he slowly pressed his ears to the wall, those sinful sounds became clearer.

But no, it was not Jeno’s curiosity or possible _voyeurism_ that led him there, no, it’s because one of the voices sounded so familiar yet not as well. Jeno flinched as a particular loud moan had crossed the thin walls. What made him froze was the words that accompanied those sinful noises.

“ _Why do you even keep on hanging around that nerd?_ ” It belongs to another boy that Jeno is not familiar with. “ _It’s fun._ ” Jaemin let out in between groans. “ _It’s fun watching him hold on to a false hope I have planted years ago in his little heart. It’s fun watching- yes, fuck, there- It’s fun watching him light up when I so much as call him tenderly with that pathetic nickname I conjured from thin air. It’s fun crushing him then watching him repair himself with a simple smile. It’s fucking fantastic seeing him desperately hold on to an idea of me which I don’t even need to reinforce. Have you even seen his embarrassed face whenever I treat him like shit even publicly? Ahh, I wonder how will he react if I fuck you in front of him?_ ” There was a pause, a sound of filthy kiss that was exchanged, before the other boy replied with an ecstatic chuckle. “ _You’re such a devil Na Jaemin. Such a fucking devil_.”

Despite his trembling, Jeno pursed his lips and silently took his bag as he hurriedly scampered out of that forsaken greenhouse. Tears were streaming down his eyes and he did not even bother wiping it as he hurriedly ran out, uncaring of the noise he was making as his large bag had managed to knock down a few cans and sprinklers on the way. The only thing that was repeating in his head like a mantra is that he should leave. He should leave before his sanity gave out.

His ten-kilogram bag suddenly felt as light as cotton as he ignored its weight and ran as fast as he could just to escape. Anywhere, as long as it’s far from the hell that their university had suddenly became. He ignored the guards that tried to reprimand him for jumping over the gate without getting checked. He floated against the deadly traffic as sobs finally escaped his throat.

Jeno cannot remember how long he was running and how far he had run, all he knows, as he finally slows down and let exhaustion take its toll, is that he just exited his town. ‘ _What the fuck._ ’ He thought grimly as he took refuge in a deserted and rundown playground. His dried tears suddenly welled up again as he compared himself with that abandoned playground. “Look at you, all rotting. Yet here you are, stupidly waiting and longing for others to come to you! Pathetic! Idiot!” He screamed as he threw his large backpack on the sandy ground. His voice just echoed through the vast emptiness around the playground.

Jeno trudged weakly towards the swings and plopped on it. The sun was high in the sky, scorching as it embraced everything underneath it. Jeno sobbed more upon this realization. ‘ _It’s even more heartbreaking seeing how everything’s fine except for me. Everyone’s happy except for me._ ’ As his breathing gets even more constricted, he croaked out such a pathetic wail that the nearby birds flew away. “I knew that I was a fool but this just tops everything, I suddenly am a fucking toy. I’m not even a human in his eyes.” He laughed pathetically as he buried his face in his palms, uncaring of the sand on it that’s sticking on his wet face.

He kept crying, sobbing, and gasping for air. Like a fish out of water. He clutched at his chest pathetically, trying to will down the excruciating pain. ‘ _This was your own undoing Lee Jeno. You’ve held on far too long on that illusion he fed you years ago. Time to wake up Nono._ ’ He sobbed harder that he did not notice the hesitant footsteps that slowly approached him and sat on the adjacent swing.

“It’s unfair, isn’t it?” The stranger suddenly said, causing Jeno’s breath to hitch in surprise. He snapped his head up, and through his blurred vision, he saw the smiling face that’s looking intently at him. He wiped his face hastily, unaware of the muddy state that this has caused his face. The stranger chuckled and offered him a clean handkerchief. Jeno looked at it hesitantly. “Just take it, it will do you better than your muddy hand.” Jeno bowed in thanks before taking the offer and wiping his face with it.

“I’m sorry for hearing your outburst, but you weren’t exactly quiet about it, so…” The stranger smiled though Jeno couldn’t help noticing the sad glint in the stranger’s eyes. “I’m not a weirdo, you just reminded me of _someone_ dear to me.” He was looking ahead of them, and Jeno finally noticed the equally deserted gas station a few meters in front of the playground. Jeno figured that the stranger works there, as he observed with his uniform outfit.

“I don’t really have much to do in that empty gas station, so if you’d like, I can listen to your problems. I can assure you that it will make you feel much better.” The stranger grinned brightly. Jeno blinked his tears and cannot help the smile that slowly crept up his lips. His chest is still constricting but the stranger’s bright eyes is distracting Jeno from the pain. Wiping his face again with the handkerchief, he hesitated a little before finally opening his mouth.

In that deserted playground, Jeno opened his Pandora’s box. He told that stranger his first encounter with Jaemin on that one fateful winter night. How little Jaemin battled old geezers wanting to trap young Jeno into that shady alley. Through his shaky breaths, he remembered that kind smile as blood dripped Jaemin’s little face. He also told that stranger how he had blindly clung to that ages old Jaemin, how he painstakingly bit his tongue and basked in the shame and humiliation Jaemin never failed to drown him in even in public. How he desperately clung to this idea of heart underneath that he had even forsaken his friends just because of Jaemin’s feud with them. His sleepless nights as he worked for two because Jaemin would always call him up for his help most times. He also told the stranger what happened earlier, as the sun slowly descended on the west, he told the stranger how pathetic he was, eavesdropping on such a filthy act which had him as the laughingstock.

He told that stranger his idiocy, through his tears and hoarse voice, and he’s waiting for judgment. As he scanned the stranger’s face, there was nothing but silent understanding. “So what do you plan to do?” The stranger asked after a long pause. Jeno shook his head and hung it in despair. “I don’t know. I sincerely don’t know.” Jeno croaked out, wiping another batch of tears.

“I don’t know if it’ll help, but maybe doing things that are actually for you will help.” The stranger was tapping his chin as he analyzed Jeno. Jeno furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. The stranger stood from the swing he was sitting on and crouched in front of Jeno. “First, you should replace this thick-ass glasses.” He removed the glasses perched atop Jeno’s nose bridge. Jeno scrunched his face and reached out for his glasses because he can’t see anything properly without them. “I’ll replace them later but please give them back first.” He whined at the stranger, who, now that he stood up properly, is incredibly tall and long.

“Then you should start looking for yourself – doing what you love. Basing on your story, you were living your life for that Jaemin guy. You might think that it will be hard but I can assure you that it won’t be. Doing what your heart really, I mean _really_ , desires will set you free.” Jeno giggled at the exaggerated emphasis on the ‘really.’ The stranger smiled fondly at that as he turned around and got Jeno’s big ass backpack. As he placed it beside Jeno, he clicked his teeth and put his hands on his hips. “Also, you don’t need this much in university. You should size down, this really enhances that nerd reputation that you told me.” The stranger was sporting a stern look but the smile that erupted shortly was telling otherwise.

Jeno bit his lips and looked up, still looking very much forlorn, but a tad better than he had been when he first crashed into that deserted playground. “Do you really think that could do that?” He asked the stranger hesitantly. The other boy hummed and crouched in front of him so that his and Jeno’s eyes matched in level. “Honestly? I’m not sure. Only you can answer that.” As Jeno’s face were to drop, the stranger smiled gently at him, placing a gentle hand on Jeno’s shoulder. “But you’re brave bud, that, I can see. A wise man once said, ‘ _You can’t always be strong, but you can always be brave,_ ’ and right now, you’re doing a very brave thing by thinking rationally. The Aristotle believed that humans are good because they are thinking, I think you fit in that quite very well.” The stranger laughed at his misplaced advice. Jeno followed suit, his chest slowly lightening with every chortle he lets out.

As the sun slowly turned orange, Jeno, despite the unmovable gnawing at his heart, finally found the clarity that he needed. He knows what he ought to do and what he ought to be. “Remember! No more Na Jaemin!” The stranger screamed at him as Jeno slowly backtracked back into his town. “Yes! No more Na Jaemin!” Jeno screamed back.

But first, he needs to recuperate.

Jaemin cannot understand himself. He doesn’t know why he’s acting frazzled when this was his own doing anyway. He cannot comprehend why his heart is hammering loudly inside his ribcage when he was the one who purposefully fucked somebody in that little haven of Jeno. He cannot understand why he’s being restless about Jeno’s disappearance when he shouldn’t be caring about his _little admirer_ , for by the end of the day, his _Jen_ will always crawl back into his lap just like the pathetic loser that he is.

That’s what he kept telling himself, that’s what he _wanted_ to believe. He’s not worried, just off-putted by the sudden disappearance of his number one admirer. “You should’ve anticipated this, you literally fucked somebody else somewhere where he takes refuge.” Dejun, the voice of reason in his friend group, looked at him disapprovingly and noted. Jaemin raised an eyebrow as he snapped back into reality before taking a bite of his sandwich, an attempt to feign nonchalance.

“Dejun ge is right, that was such a jerk move.” Chen Le pouted as he put down his own sandwich, obviously distraught and disappointed at his friend. “And? He’ll come crawling back.” Jaemin replied smugly, taking another bite of his sandwich. Dejun sighed and halted eating as well, very disturbed with how objectified and stepped on the subject of their conversation is.

“You shouldn’t act like that.” Dejun replied seriously. Jaemin furrowed his eyebrow at his friends. “Why are we even talking about that nerd?” He shot back at his friends harshly. Chen Le slammed his hand on the table. “You are being an asshole hyung. Jeno hyung has been nothing but a darling but here you are, still acting very much like the jerk you are. You know what? Go with those frat boys you always hung around with, be with them and act like the asshole that you are. I pray that this sudden disappearance of Jeno hyung will bring forth a change in his attitude. He doesn’t deserve a scum like you.” Chen Le stood up, his appetite now gone with the turn of the conversation. He grabbed his things from the table and was out in a flash.

Dejun sighed and gathered his bag as well, tossing his half-eaten sandwich back into his bag. “You’re not really an asshole Jaemin, I know you that much. But what you’re doing to Jeno is too much. He never did anything apart from cling on to the last bit of humanity that you have. Who would have thought that he’s terribly mistaken?” Dejun stood up and followed Chen Le suit in leaving the cafeteria.

Now that Jaemin’s left on his own again, he rolled his eyes and grunted under his breath. ‘ _Even my friends left me because of that fucking nerd. I swear that Lee Jeno will get it once I lay my eyes on him again._ ’ It’s not his fault that the other boy is so hung up on him, extremely infatuated that he’s willing to go through so much just for a glimmer of attention. ‘ _He’s the one who’s pathetic, why do I get shit on for fucking around just like I always do?_ ’ Jaemin sees nothing wrong in his actions.

His solitude did not last for long as he was approached by his new clique. “Hey bro, couldn’t help but overhear, but damn, are they really your friends?” It was Yangyang, a peer whom he shared a class with last semester. Jaemin scoffed as he high-fived them. “Tell me about it.” Jaehyun and Kunhang hummed on their seats. “Well, guess what, your little admirer is back anyway.” Jaehyun remarked as they settled on their seats around Jaemin.

Jaemin almost shot up at that but he held himself and raised an eyebrow. “Really? Maybe I should pay him a little visit later.” He shrugged his shoulders. “I think you should reconsider that, he’s now with-” Kunhang started but was cut off as the doors to the cafeteria was loudly opened by such a loud and obnoxious presence. Jaemin looked behind to see the commotion caused by that loud entrance.

He was not even surprised to see Lee Donghyuck, that bastard, but his breath hitched seeing the boy walking beside his archenemy. Jaemin felt his lungs give out. “Yes, that’s what I was supposed to tell you. Your little toy is now hanging around Lee Donghyuck.” Kunhang finished. Jaemin did not even bothered looking at his upperclassman as his eyes was glued to the boy he knew yet at the same time looking so unfamiliar as he laughed with that bastard Donghyuck.

The Lee Jeno that he’s currently looking at is not the same tear-stricken one that ran off the greenhouse from last week. It’s not the nerd from last week that had that horrible large bag sagging from behind him, that had that thick ass ugly glasses, no, Jaemin gulped as he took in Jeno’s new look. Gone were the large bag, his eyeglasses, ironed dress shirts, sweaters and large jeans, as well as his worn-down sneakers. In place of those, the Lee Jeno he’s looking at right now is wearing an all-black ensemble – black turtleneck, black skintight jeans, and black combat boots paired with a black satchel bag that’s hanging loosely across his torso. The darkness of his ensemble highlighted the blond – ‘ _that fucking blond hair_ ’ – and the blue of his eyes. Jaemin felt his throat constrict.

“Shit, who knew that that nerd was that gorgeous?” Jaehyun remarked from in front of him. Jaemin could not even reply to that as his mouth had gone dry. He was snapped out of his stupor when _his_ nerd, yes, _his_ , beamed brightly and sat on that forsaken table. “Look, seems like he’s also being chummy chummy with Lee Donghyuck and his squad.” Kunhang finally finished his sentence which was unceremoniously cut off earlier with the loud entrance that the newcomers had done.

Jaemin felt his blood boil. He cannot understand where this bitter is coming from but he understands one thing and that he doesn’t like the way that _his_ nerd is interacting with his archenemy. Lee Donghyuck, his rival. Just thinking about Jeno hanging out with him makes Jaemin’s insides boil with seething rage. Jaemin detests Donghyuck because the latter is everything he’s not – responsible, smart, and _loved_ ; he cannot stand even the thought of Lee Donghyuck because above those qualities that were listed, he also just had to be everything that Jaemin isn’t while maintaining the adoration of everyone. Now, he just had to steal the last person Jaemin actually possess.

Against his better judgment, in the case that he actually had one, Jaemin shot up from his seat and made way towards Jeno. His blood boiled even further seeing the nerd glowing and laughing at something that Lee Donghyuck had said. Slamming his hands on the table, Jaemin just caused the whole cafeteria to halt and turn their attentions to Jaemin’s inevitable eruption.

Jaemin doesn’t know what he expected when he approached their table but it’s certainly not Jeno frowning at him, his arms crossed in front of his chest, and chastising the hell out of Jaemin with a simple stare. Jaemin cannot fathom the discomfort in his chest but he paid it no heed as his irrationality took over him once Donghyuck draped an arm over Jeno and the latter doesn’t seem to be bothered by it.

“Oh look, the University _whore_. How’s it going, Na?” Donghyuck, as snarky as ever, opened with his usual insult that Jaemin would reply back wittily. Now is not one of those times for as Jaemin doesn’t like the way that Jeno snickered at that remark. “It could have been better. I just want to check up on my nerd.” Jaemin attempted to ease the bubbling wrath that’s steadily cooking inside his stomach. As he shifted his gaze on Jeno back again, he doesn’t like the way that instead of looking down abashedly, Jeno is looking at him with something that’s akin to disgust and scorn. Jaemin tried to hide the constricting of his throat.

“Which nerd are you talking about, _Na_?” It was Jeno, oh god darn Lee Jeno. Jaemin felt his legs wobbling at the sudden shift in Jeno’s attitude. At this point, Jaemin understood, that gone were the days of shy and subtle Lee Jeno. The desire to pull Jeno back onto his lap had never been stronger. “Of course, you, darling. Who would I look for but you-...?” His verbosity was cut short when Jeno laughed, cold and chilling as he stared down on the Casanova. “Oh stop it Na, I’m just one of many. Your desire to bed me just blossomed, doesn’t it? Because finally, I no longer look like an eye sore.”

Jaemin laughed at that for he cannot understand that little outburst. “Why would you think like that sweetheart? Do you no longer trust me?” He expected, no, he _wishes_ , sincerely hoped that that will do the trick for he doesn’t know for how long can he restrain himself from pulling Jeno back into his arms. Jeno snorted and smirked at him. Jaemin’s blood boiled further as _his_ nerd leaned more into Donghyuck’s body, seemingly aware of the irritation its causing the Casanova.

“Who in their right mind would trust you?” Jaemin’s breath hitched again at that unexpected answer. Jeno continued. “You who cannot think above your cock? You who is ruled by his animalistic nature? Do you actually think that anybody should believe you? When you haven’t even evolved from the period of carnal desires? Really, Na Jaemin?” The whole cafeteria erupted into cheers at that, for finally, somebody dared to stomp onto the idiocy that’s embodied by Na Jaemin.

Jaemin felt his face fall but before his real feelings actually seep through, he plastered a smile on and finally took his hands off the table. “You might not trust me, but you’re still mine, _baby_.” He winked and hopefully, it can conceal the seething rage that’s threatening to burst inside him. It seemed to do the trick as finally, Jeno stood up in rage, looking like he would like to fight Jaemin in hand-to-hand combat. As he was about to fire back, Donghyuck stood up as well and pushed Jaemin away from their table. “Fuck you Na Jaemin. Nono’s not yours. Just go back and do what you do best – fucking around.”

Before a fire could break out, his frat buddies pulled him back, plastering the most charming smile they could muster and leaving the scene. Jaemin fucking hates the loathing that filled up Jeno’s blue eyes, he fucking hates Donghyuck’s smug smile as he and his peers left the cafeteria, and among all, he fucking hates the emptiness that was left by the realization that the last person who genuinely had hope for him had really given up.

His heart hasn’t stopped thrumming inside his ribcage and Jeno kept his hands on his chest in a futile attempt to stop it. After a particularly harsh punch on his chest, Renjun intervened and held his hand with a disapproving gaze. “Stop abusing your chest.” Was all he said and Jeno smiled sheepishly before removing his hand. “So sorry, I just don’t like the thrumming in my chest.” Donghyuck shook his head but it was obvious from the way that he’s smirking smugly that he’s quite proud of the ruckus that his friend had just caused.

Jungwoo, a kind upperclassman and one of his and Donghyuck’s childhood friends, patted Jeno’s head affectionately and smiled kindly. “You did well earlier. Even his jock friends were so speechless.” Jeno smiled and thanked the elder, appreciating the compliment even though he still can’t get used with his new skin. “I hate how my baby Jeno is no longer a baby.” Sicheng, the current eldest of their little friend group grumbled as he took a sip of his drink.

“Nah, Jeno looks good like this. Also, we can still see him and his fluffy sweaters back at the dorms.” Donghyuck digressed, obviously satisfied and beaming with pride seeing the characters development Jeno had. Renjun nodded but still looks apprehensive and worried. Despite his façade, insecurity still lurks under him and his friends know that. “Are you alright though?” Renjun asked lowly once the three are wrapped in their bubbles once again.

To be true, Jeno can’t say for certain. He’s significantly better compared to last week, but the emptiness and gnawing is still present. His fingers are still trembling a little despite the time that had passed since he finally stood up for himself. He still can’t believe that he actually had the guts to do that to Jaemin. “Nono?” Renjun called him again, concern painting his face. Jeno felt sorry that they can no longer use his _other_ nickname because of a negative connotation it now possesses but he willed down and focused on answering Renjun’s inquiry.

“I’ll be fine. I’ll be fine…” Jeno trailed off, forcing a smile up on his lips though he’s not fooling anybody. Renjun reached out and held his hand. “If you’re too underwhelmed, you can slip out now. I’ll take care of your last subject.” Jeno sputtered, totally taken aback by Renjun’s offer. For despite being the council secretary, he knows that Renjun does not tolerate power abuse. However, here they are, Renjun is offering Jeno a free ditch-pass just because their little encounter with Jaemin earlier. Jeno felt his eyes burn with tears.

“Will it really be alright? I’ve been absent for a week already.” Jeno’s lips trembled and Renjun just chuckled and nodded. “Just accept the offer for there won’t be a second time.” Renjun faux threatened and Jeno just smiled brightly and nodded his head. “I promise to buy you that Moomin plushie you were eyeing last month.” He pouted and pumped his chest. Renjun just rolled his eyes and nodded. “Just go. Take a rest.” And for some reason, Jeno has a hunch that Renjun is aware of where he keeps disappearing to.

After brief and quick goodbyes, Jeno was off for the day. Clutching his satchel, he took long strides, trying very hard not to hung his head low what with all the stares he keeps on receiving. ‘ _This is Xuxi’s fault. Why did I even listen to his suggestion? I feel like a sheep in front of these vicious wolves._ ’ Jeno fastened his pace so he could change from his current _spicy_ ensemble (which was the courtesy of Lee Donghyuck) lest he gets jumped before even arriving at the deserted gas station that Xuxi works at.

Once he was finally out of those skimpy clothing, Jeno went to catch the bus which will arrive in five minutes. Until now, he still can’t fathom how on earth did he managed to ran all the way to the next town when the university is literally positioned in the center of the city. He can remember the blisters on his foot when he finally came back home, albeit considerably much lighter than when he first left in the heat of the sun. Jeno bit his lips and smiled as the bus finally arrived and he sat on a considerably empty one.

Hugging his smaller backpack to his chest, Jeno put on his earphones to listen on his playlist on shuffle. When he first tried listening to music instead of reading a few passages of a book whilst he’s on the bus, it felt weird. He was used to the low hum of the buses’ engines, to the loud wails of toddlers, and to the noise of the city. It was his music as he gently turned the pages of his books while balancing _additional_ school works on his armpit.

But after going home from his and Xuxi’s first encounter, that little habit of his became too torturous as it brought forth an onset of unwarranted memories, unwarrantedly _fond_ memories he shouldn’t have of Jaemin. How Jaemin used to shut his book in favor of them talking, how Jaemin would scrunch his nose looking at the titles Jeno usually reads, and how idiotically he clung on those fifteen minutes over the shit, manipulation, and abuse Jaemin would incur on him. Jeno felt his eyes burn at the memories as the song switched. He pulled his sleeves towards his eyes as he harshly wiped the first batch of tears that escaped his lacrimal glands.

‘ _You were such a fucking idiot Lee Jeno. You’ve wasted more than six years of your life pining after an asshole. You almost gave him everything- no, had he asked, you would have given him_ everything _._ ’ Jeno chastised himself as he hid his face behind his sweater paws. Thankfully, the bus doesn’t have many passengers in it apart from the couple sitting on the furthest part of the bus, way too far from Jeno who’s situated a few rows behind the driver. He continued his silent ministrations when Xuxi’s voice invaded his thoughts with that obnoxious voice of his. “ _It’s fine! You did stupid things, you made stupid choices, and it’s alright! The important thing is that you had learned and are willing to finally choose yourself!_ ” Jeno smiled as he can hear the elder’s laugh in his ears despite the block.

He got out of the bus as he arrived at his station, and from there, the walk towards the deserted gas station would take approximately three minutes. As he came closer, he can see from outside Xuxi’s bored disposition as he repeatedly rearranged the figures on top of the counter. Jeno beamed as he skipped inside. “Xuxi hyung!” He announced, startling the elder out of his wits. “Ay- yah! Stop scaring me, will you? I swear my heart will give out one of these days because you just can’t be normal and announce yourself _calmly_ , hear that Jeno-yah? _Calmly_.” Xuxi narrowed his eyes but smiled nonetheless as Jeno approached the counter.

“Why are you here this early, anyway? Did something happen?” Xuxi squinted his eyes, his eyebrows furrowed in worry. Jeno cannot blame the alarm that he might have caused the elder with his appearance anyway; the twice that he had gone here in the middle of the day, instead of attending his class, he was breaking down and Xuxi had to patch him up with his miraculous ice creams. Taking _his_ stool from the back room, he sat beside Xuxi behind the counter.

“Not really.” Jeno started, however, he knows that he can’t fool Xuxi with that. “Well, Na Jaemin caused a ruckus earlier.” He bit his lips as he recalled that nerve-wracking encounter that he had with the Casanova back at the cafeteria. He can still feel the thrumming of his heart inside his rib cage as Jaemin smiled that devious smile of his. “Are you okay?” Xuxi’s concerned question brought back Jeno from the land of his thoughts.

Jeno shook his head and smiled sadly. “I’ll be fine.” Xuxi kept mum, waiting for Jeno to continue that meaningful answer of his. “I mean, it could be better but this is a millennium better than the fool that I was. I still am that fool but that fool’s learning how to close his eyes and ears from any more fraud.” He bit his lips, his fingers fiddling with the sleeves of his sweater and nodding to himself; telling those words to himself, hoping to make those a reality instead of merely staying in his fantasies.

“Here, have some chocolate milk.” Xuxi pierced the carton with its straw and pushed it towards Jeno. “Hyung, your dad will kill you; your convenience store will go bankrupt if you keep on offering me free food every time I go down here.” Jeno giggled but proceeded to drink the offered delicacy nonetheless. Xuxi rolled his eyes as he returned to his position behind the counter, ruffling Jeno’s hair in the process. “Don’t worry, he’s cutting all of these on my salary.”

Jeno’s jaw slackened and he placed back the chocolate milk on the counter, suddenly seeing the latent value of the treats Xuxi would always give him whenever he’s crashing for the day. “Tsk, just drink it buddy.” Xuxi put it back on his hand despite Jeno’s preemptive protests. “Somebody needs to drink those goods that will expire soon anyway.” He added, winking, and earning a harsh smack on the arm from Jeno. “And here I thought that you were actually being thoughtful.” He pouted but continued on sipping nonetheless. Xuxi laughed, his head thrown back as tears escaped his lacrimal glands in mirth.

As the atmosphere around them settled once again, Xuxi opened the discussion which Jeno noticed he purposefully swerved around earlier. “How are things going for you?” Jeno shrugged, letting the bag that’s situated on his lap fall ungracefully on the pristine floors of the store. “I changed my wardrobe, courtesy of Donghyuck; I missed a shit ton of classes-” “Which I highly discouraged you to do.” Xuxi interrupted, earning a little glare from Jeno who continued. “Again, I missed a shit ton of classes; and I also finally decided to do things that I used to avoid because of him. I now hang out with my friends and it’s been so fun. Well that was until _he_ decided to ruin my day by approaching our table earlier in lunch.” Jeno bit his lips, his gait turning sour from the jolly he was already exhibiting.

“And I’m proud of you for reaching this far. You know what? Your friends as well. Nobody but you can say for sure when you will be alright but the people closest to you believes in your strength.” Xuxi smiled and through his glassy eyes, Jeno looked up and reciprocated his newfound friend’s gentle smile with a broken one of his own.

Again, hope shines through Jeno’s heart and for once, after closing himself off for a week and eating nothing but the food his older brother forces down his throat, he feels light. He’s aware that it’s impossible to just get up and leave every single habit he had made especially since a good chunk of his life was centered around Na Jaemin, but seeing Xuxi’s trust in him despite knowing each other for no longer than a week, remembering Donghyuck and Mark’s pride when he finally declared he’ll start changing his ways, thinking back to Renjun’s fond smile and leniency after standing up for himself against Jaemin, hearing Sicheng’s proud huff as he retorted snarkily against Jaemin’s vicious attacks, and feeling Doyoung’s warm hug when he finally emerged from his isolation, Jeno feels like he can take on the world if he wishes to.

Wiping his tears with the sleeves of his sweater, Jeno laughed and drank on his chocolate milk. ‘ _I’ll be fine._ ’

“What the fuck Jaemin?!” Jeno screamed, terror in his eyes as he tried to run towards the guy’s side if it weren’t for Jaemin’s grip holding him in place. Jeno tried wiggling out of his tight grip to no avail. “He was going to kiss you!” Jaemin bellowed seeing how adamant Jeno is to go to the guy that was still on the floor but aren’t wincing anymore.

Jaemin saw how Jeno’s face morphed into shock then anger. He should have expected the punch that Jeno had swung at him, despite that, he still clutched at his cheek, appalled and hurt as he watched Jeno crouched in front of that guy, aiding him back on his feet. His lips were trembling but he bit the insides of his cheeks in order to prevent the stupid tears that are threatening to escape his lacrimal glands. “He was harassing you.” He pathetically croaked out, getting reminded of the trigger which prompted him to burst through the doors and harshly ripping that part-timer from Jeno.

Jeno harshly snapped his gaze back to Jaemin before scoffing. “And who are you to judge that? Xuxi was doing nothing of the sort! Oh my god, that’s going to swell.” The stark contrast of how Jeno talked with the two of them stabbed at Jaemin’s chest. “J-Jen-” He tried to call out, wanting to at least explain himself but Jeno’s sharp glare, he pulled his hand back. “Just stop with this nonsense, _Na_. Don’t you realize that you could be sued for physical assault over this? What am I even saying? You’re a fucking idiot, your dick does all the talking and look where that got us.” Jeno scoffed as he disappeared between the shelves to grab possibly some ointment.

“Just leave dude. I won’t take this against you for Jeno’s sake but as you can see, your presence is infuriating him. I know about you and what you did to him. Jeno has moved on, so just do whatever it is that you jocks do and leave him alone.” The Xuxi guy spoke up, now uncaring of the massive bruise Jaemin had just delivered him earlier. Jaemin felt furious at the condescending tone but as Jeno reemerged from the shelves and paid him no heed, Jaemin figured that the guy has a point.

Jaemin’s fingers trembled but he held himself as he slowly backed away to return to where he came from. He had expected this, to be honest, but it doesn’t mean that it hurt less seeing things with his own eyes. ‘ _So this was how he felt whenever I fuck around._ ’ He thought bitterly, uncaring of the scorching sun that’s licking on his nape. He mounted his motorbike and left, forbidding himself from making the mistake of looking back and feeling his heart crumble again.

In the first place, it was his fault for vehemently denying the possibility of him actually liking Jeno. He can’t accept that the other still sees this piece of humanity in him despite him hiding it beneath his asshole persona. He can’t accept that apart from Dejun, Chen Le, and his little brother Jisung, Jeno can see the heart beneath it all. And now, he has pushed his luck and in turn, pushed away the person he treasured.

Tears started pooling in Jaemin’s eyes that he had to pull over the nearest bus stop. Taking in a huge breath, Jaemin wiped his tears with the handkerchief Jisung insisted that he bring. He unmounted his motorbike and proceeded to sit on the empty bus stop to try and calm himself before going wherever he wishes to. He can’t return home like this though, because Jisung will need him and his younger brother doesn’t need his emotional baggage. He doesn’t want to go and do his usual clubbing, find someone to fuck and satiate himself, because for some reason, Jeno’s sobs during that fateful day back in the greenhouse keeps on echoing inside him, paralyzing him until he can no longer lunge and kiss whichever stranger he had his eyes on.

He thought that his strange feelings were brought upon by Jeno’s changed demeanor and changed wardrobe. He thought that he was just being petty and possessive, seeing how his _toy_ was suddenly at the hands of the person he detests the most. No, as it turns out, Jeno’s change brought forth everything that Jaemin had blindly looked over because he can’t accept the purity and sincerity that Jeno exhibits in his every action. After two weeks of longing for Jeno’s presence in his otherwise filthy lifestyle, Jaemin figured that he doesn’t really like this _fuckboy_ that Lee Donghyuck had pulled from _his_ nerd. Because as Jaemin would unpleasantly realize as he was snogging some girl in the back of some filthy pub, he’s harboring feelings for Jeno.

And that memory of his realization just brought forth another onset of ugly tears cascading down his face, and into his mask. For just when he wants to make things right, he just had to see the new Jeno transform back into the nerd that he knows and loves only to laugh with a strange guy in another town after ditching his classes. Jaemin bit his lips and harshly punched his chest in a futile attempt to stop the clenching.

Pulling his phone from his pocket, he called Dejun, one of the few people that actually cares for him and not his popularity. It took exactly two rings for the elder to pick up his call and Jaemin feels extremely grateful and relieved when Dejun’s soft voice was heard. “D-Dejun hyung.” Jaemin stuttered across his harried breathing. “Nana? What’s wrong?” Jaemin sniffed before answering. “Hyung pick me up, please.” He mumbled as he finally pulled down his mask. The call ended and Jaemin turned on his location.

And just like that, Jaemin was twelve all over again. Battered and bruised while clutching his seven-year-old brother, he’d knock on his aunt’s house as he and Jisung seek shelter for days until things settled again. Dejun would be fussing despite being only a year older than him and they’d invite Chen Le to play with them and try to forget the bruises which littered the siblings’ bodies.

He fucking hates himself for always pushing away people that genuinely cares for him. He nearly pushed away Dejun and Chen Le just because he could not accept the fact that he really likes Jeno and now, just when he finally made peace with his feelings, he’s lost Jeno. Sniffling as another gush of wind hit the left side of his body, a determined thought had sneakily wormed its way into Jaemin’s thoughts, bringing him up from the abyss of his mind.

‘ _It’s still not too late to get him back. It’s just been a little over two weeks since his change, you can change and prove to him your worth._ ’ Jaemin wiped his tears as the thoughts poured. ‘ _You can earn him back Na Jaemin. You can call him “Jen” again and this time, you won’t fuck up._ ’

Jeno stares at them blankly. He knows too well that his passive and cold stare is unnerving them despite their obnoxious laughter. “So what do you think about Jaemin?” It was Yangyang, a member of Jaemin’s current clique, who repeated the question. Jeno felt his hands tremble but he willed it down before plastering the smuggest and snarkiest smirk he could muster.

“What do you mean what do I think about him?” He retorted back, albeit calmly as he is afraid that should he slip his restraints, an unknown dam of suppressed emotions might burst through him, rendering him pathetic _again_.

His nonchalant behavior did not deter Jaemin’s new clique as they further prodded. “Like, what do you think of him and his qualities.” Jaehyun, an upperclassman, smirked upon the question. Jeno turned towards him, a smirk on his face as well. “What are the criteria for my assessment?”

This, everyone did not expect. Jeno felt Donghyuck’s hand on his back and despite the lack of eye contact between the two, he knows that his friend is extremely worried right now. “You can’t really expect me to give an effective assessment if I weren’t given a criterion to base from. What do you wish me to assess? Is it his physical features? That aspect I cannot give a reliable assessment since beauty is highly subjective. Is it his academic achievements? I can’t comment on that since I don’t have his credentials at hand. I can comment on his intellectual capabilities though, I’m not sure how you’ll like my critique though.” He leaned back, crossing his arms in front of his chest and hoping that nobody can catch the trembling of his fingers.

Jeno stared at Jaemin amidst it all, his lips wearing a smug smirk but his eyes dead and devoid of any emotion. Jaemin’s not smiling either, and Jeno figured that he must be deciphering the enigma that he had become. He won’t give him that satisfaction though. “Do I even have any intellectual capabilities to assess? As far as I remember he never had to use that pretty head of his. He always had little _bitches_ to do the thinking, doesn’t he?” Jeno tilted his head to the side as he put on a mask of amusement. “Our Jaemin here just needs to act prettily and the whole world will bow down to all his whims. Isn’t that right?”

“You’re right. I’m nothing but a pretty face.” Jaemin admitted and Jeno felt his breath hitch. He did not expect this. He expected a raging and crossed Jaemin, that’s the reason for his taunting in the first place. He did not expect a passive, sincere, and calm Jaemin agreeing to every insult he just fired. Jeno felt that his persona is cracking and he reached out for Donghyuck’s comforting hands, trying very hard not to lose himself all over again.

The table was silent as they carefully analyzed the two’s interaction. Jeno felt like wailing because he finally realized that he had dug himself a pit to be buried into. ‘ _This is exactly why you don’t engage with imbeciles Jeno. This is why. Now get yourself out of this mess or you’re shattering._ ’

Jeno took a deep, yet discreet, breath and smiled brightly. “Glad to know you’re aware of your _inherent_ flaws.” He turned to Jaemin’s clique with his best I’m-not-fine-but-let’s-pretend-I-am smile. He hopes it doesn’t look too strained that it highly resembles a grimace. “It seems like my _intellectual_ opinion isn’t really needed. Donghyuck and I will be going then, we have a lot to do.” Faux pausing for theatrics, he blinked twice before offering passively.

He turned swiftly, not even bothering to look if Donghyuck followed suit. All he knows is that he must get out of there fast. He was not able to take five steps away when he was suddenly pulled back by a firm yet gentle grip on his wrist. He turned around and willed down the shock that threatened to paint across his face. “What now Na?” Jeno harshly pulled back his hand. Jaemin flinched at that but he held his composure and with his hands now tucked inside his pockets, he smiled at Jeno, looking very much determined, albeit there are hints of sadness laced in his eyes.

“I know that I fucked up, I fucked up badly, and you don’t deserve any shit that I’ve put you through,” Jaemin started, and Jeno felt himself tremble and crumble at that. ‘ _No, no, not this shit again. God, no._ ’ He panicked inside but he held his composure, unwilling to make a fool out of himself once again. ‘ _Never again. Especially not for a fucking boy._ ’ It’s a good thing that Na Jaemin is the densest individual to ever grace the land. ‘ _Or something’s just clouding his vision._ ’

All his thoughts were drowned out when Jaemin finally finished his sentence. “So let me make up to you. I’ll earn both your trust and affection once again.” And god forbid, Jaemin had the audacity to actually smile. Jeno felt his blood boil that he saw red. He pushed Jaemin harshly, making the other bump his hips back on the table. Donghyuck pulled him back, his grip tight and firm as he tried to pull back Jeno who went feral and could honestly kill Jaemin that instant.

“What the fuck are you on?!” Jeno screamed, he doesn’t want to cry but he can no longer hold back his tears and they started flowing ceaselessly. He hates how pathetic he still is when it’s about Jaemin. He hates the trembling of his whole body as he squirms under Donghyuck’s tight hold on him. “Jeno. Lee Jeno.” Jeno heard Donghyuck called lowly in his ear once his ears were no longer ringing. “Control yourself. You don’t want to embarrass yourself just because of some boy. You’d regret it if you pounce on him.” There was authority in his friend’s voice and Jeno felt his body loosen up as realization dawn on him. ‘ _Donghyuck is right._ ’ Biting his lips, he closed h eyes and took controlled, deep breaths.

‘ _You got this, Lee Jeno._ ’ Wiping his tears gently, he offered an icy smile at Jaemin who’s still shell-shocked and is glaring at Donghyuck’s arms that are wrapped around Jeno snuggly. “Do us a favor and don’t bother Na. I no longer want to be associated with you.” Wiping the smile off his face, he grabbed Donghyuck and sashayed out of the cafeteria with his dignity regained.

“I’m proud of you Nono.” Donghyuck whispered and Jeno smiled. ‘ _I almost lost that battle of nerves, but I know that I’ll win myself back._ ’ For nothing is more important than to bring yourself back up when it was also you who degraded yourself once. Human life is marred with mistakes and redemption, and for Jeno, despite the tears that escaped pathetically, he made up his mind. ‘ _I’ll be the most beautiful me._ ’

Humming and bouncing on his feet, Jaemin transferred the pancakes he made on a clean plate before pouring syrup on it; frugally on Dejun, for he’s not very fond of extreme sweetness, and quite generously on his, Chen Le’s, and Jisung’s. He made it a point to ignore his friends’ stares and ruffled his little brother’s hair. He took his own portion and sat bubbly on his place.

“I love your pancakes but I still refuse to condone this behavior.” Chen Le spoke up though he took a large bite out of his pancakes. Jaemin pouted and gingerly placed down his utensils. “But why?” He asked though he already knows the answer which the younger will provide him. Chen Le rolled his eyes and swallowed before replying his friend’s question which was thrown for the nth time. “Because hyung, as much as we appreciate and approve the recent changes you’ve implored – love you brunette amongst all, you still broke Jeno hyung so much. He has moved on, do all of us a favor and just let him go.” Chen Le, despite being younger, looked at Jaemin with so much wisdom and understanding in his eyes.

Jaemin looked down, biting his lips, nodding but his next words aren’t words of agreement at all. “I know but I don’t want to lose him; I want him to love me again, just like the old times, and this time, I’m going to treat him right.” Chen Le sighed and just turned to his pancakes, Jaemin knew that he had won the younger over. “Whatever. However, if he rejects you, don’t coerce him or whatever or else we’re disowning you.” Chen Le relented, not really possessing the courage to discourage his friend even more.

“I also want to help hyung but please promise that you’ll stop hanging around with _those_ jocks.” Jisung piped in but he ended his statement in distaste. Jaemin cannot really blame his younger brother for disliking his other peers but Jaehyun, Kunhang, and Yangyang, despite their air headedness, aren’t really bad. They’re just constantly misogynistic, bullies, sexist, idiots, juveniles- Jaemin bit his lips and furrowed his eyebrows. “Huh, they really are that bad?” He subconsciously blurted out his thoughts. The collective and aggressive ‘yes’ around the table surprised him.

“No offense Jaem – actually, you know what, take full offense, but you and that group was the worst. You treat people like scumbags you can just fuck around, literally and figuratively.” Dejun provided from behind his cup of coffee. Jaemin pouted but did not dare to retort for they were not wrong. “Not to mention that dick move you made to Jeno hyung last week. If you’re actually serious about gaining back his favor, you shouldn’t have done that.” Chen Le said, not even bothering to look up from his food for he knows his friend so well to know the scandalized expression that Jaemin sported.

“What? I just declared my feelings for him. It’s the least-” He tried defending himself only to be cut off by Chen Le once again. “No, the least that you could have done was shut your mouth and let your actions do the work. This is why I don’t want to encourage your absurd behavior, because you never think and you’re never considerate.” Chen Le totally abandoned his food in favor of staring down at Jaemin. “Do you seriously think that what you did was right? Putting him on the spot with you and your little clique and then coercing him into your pre-mandated set-up using public pressure?” Dejun and Jisung stopped eating, the eldest placing a firm hand on Chen Le’s shoulder which was harshly shrugged off. “You said you have changed but what the fuck hyung? You just used public humiliation against Jeno hyung again, _just like the old times_ , right? Do you even bothered to try understanding him then? How after doing so much, you’re there again, causing him to crumble. That’s just fucked up Jaemin hyung, that’s just fucked up. You cannot begin to fathom the great efforts he did, the great efforts that he is and you’re telling us that you’ve changed? That you will change?” Chen Le was heaving and red, wishing to get his point across his friend who’s thick as a plank. “You haven’t changed, you just had a shift in priorities and goals. From toying with him, you now want to pursue him. You haven’t really improved, you just figured that in order for him to accept you, you had to alter a little bit of your habits. You haven’t changed and you will never change. For if you have, you would understand him and realize that he doesn’t need you and returning back to you isn’t the best choice for the both of you.” He stood up and left the dining, leaving the three appalled.

Jaemin bit his lips for he cannot argue. Chen Le was right. ‘ _When was his friends never right anyway?_ ’ He thought bitterly as he forced himself to eat another forkful of pancake amidst the tears that started cascading down his cheeks. Jisung gently pat his shoulders and hummed in that characteristically awkwardness that fittingly describes his teenage existence. “I don’t really know much hyung and although Chen Le hyung has a point, I still wholeheartedly support you and your decisions. I know you’ll be happier if you pursue back Jeno hyung but please also heed Lele hyung’s warning.” Jisung smiled and Jaemin couldn’t hold himself back from lunging at his little brother, his utensils clacking onto the ground. Dejun was chuckling on his seat and Jisung groaning and trying to push away his face as he made kissing noises.

Jaemin knows his failings and misgivings. He also knows the great risk he’ll be taking by diving back in in the casino called love and he knows what he must do if he’s serious about his pursuit. He knows that his history of fuck ups won’t do him any favors but he still wants to try. Ultimately, his rationality (which was still surprisingly intact) is providing him reasons for his inevitable and inherent failure, but for the last time, Jaemin wants to listen to his heart. However, he is also resolved on letting his rationality control him when the whims of his heart fail him, _once again_.

Playfully ruffling Jisung’s hair, he smiled and returned to his seat, reaching out for a clean set of utensils as his former ones had dropped to the floor. “Three rejections,” He said suddenly, gaining the two’s attention once more. “three rejections and I’ll leave him alone.” Jisung smiled softly at that as Dejun nodded his head in approval. ‘ _Until then, I’ll do my best to make him feel loved._ ’

“Uhm, sunbae, why are you giving me extra snacks?” Jeno looked around as everyone in the production team were raising an eyebrow at him when Elkie, a beautiful and sweet History major, dropped a plastic bag of snacks on Jeno’s lap while everyone was having lunch. He joined the yearly production of their university to both take his mind off of things as well as improve his scriptwriting. Mark was ecstatic when he learned that Jeno had joined for he was also part of the writing team and having a friend with the same amount of braincells (©Lee Donghyuck) was fantastic and a joy.

Thus, Jeno confusedly looked up while Elkie continued on distributing their lunches. “Sunbae?” He called again. Elkie just laughed and winked at him cryptically. Jeno scrunched his nose and eyed the bag of snacks he just received. It’s full of his favorites, from the box of Pocky, to the bags of Cheetos, he squinted his eyes. It’s such a shame that Mark weren’t there for he had to revise the script Jeno had just passed earlier. “It must be lover boy. Na Jaemin is the only one shameless enough to do that.” Shuhua, a kind classmate and part of the stage design, eyed the plastic bag and shook her head in amusement.

Jeno coughed at that for he hadn’t really thought of the bastard when he first received it. However, now that Shuhua had pointed it out, he figured that it all makes sense. Biting his lips, he breathed in and wandered his eyes, wondering if the perpetrator were around the parameter. He was right. Letting a sigh escape his lips, he looked at Jaemin’s terribly hidden existence, unimpressed. He saw the brunette smiled sheepishly and shyly waved at him. Jeno gritted his teeth as he rolled his eyes and turned back at his lunch.

He can’t say that he understands but he’s displeased with Jaemin’s actions. When the _reformed fuckboy_ (an adjective which Jaemin insisted on) declared a newform pursuit for him, Jeno would admit that he’s livid. He was still quite sensitive then, for barely a month had passed since his transformation and since he started picking up his broken pieces. Not to mention that that day, he had found out that impromptu hang-outs with Xuxi will be sparse and sporadic due to the elder having to go back to college already. He was really bummed out that day and having Jaemin and his band of idiots take to his table and profess whatever bullshit he was on that day had burst some unwarranted sensations which caused him to shed some tears.

“Ooh, Lay’s!” Xuxi exclaimed and slumped beside Jeno, eyeing his snack stash with a bright smile seeing the cute varieties. Jeno smiled and his earlier thoughts of returning it to Jaemin was buried at the back of his mind as he took the Lay’s and gave it to Xuxi. “Here! Let’s share!” He smiled brightly, mirroring the jolly the elder has. Xuxi happily took it and put it down for a while, opting to join the rest of the team in eating their lunches. ‘ _At least Xuxi’s here._ ’ Jeno returned to his lunch and all previous thoughts of Jaemin buried at the back of his mind.

After learning that he’d still meet Xuxi constantly around the campus, Jeno felt a tad bit guilty for the insults and physical injury he had inflicted against Na Jaemin and decided that he’d just ignore the bastard once he finally commenced that pledge of his. So when the idiot started with his advances (i.e. useless treats every, single, day; the “lucky” encounters; the packed lunch during school days; and many more), Jeno just opted to be indifferent. ‘ _I hate him but I’m not as cruel as he is._ ’ Jeno thought, as he ate his lunch while Xuxi chattered beside him about the materials he’s thinking of choosing for the props and costumes. He’s thankful for his friend’s enthusiasm and consideration for he can’t maintain a proper conversation right now but at the same time, he would hate to have no distraction against Jaemin’s stalkerish behavior.

Now that he thinks about it, it’s quite ironic. He used to be the one stalking Jaemin, and albeit better at hiding than the latter, he felt a slight pang considering the discomfort he’s currently feeling. ‘ _I have one (1) stalker but he has tons._ ’ Jeno bit his lips as he subconsciously started twisting his food around the disposable container. “Hey Nono, do you not like the food? Maybe I can text Hyuck to bring something different; he and Renjun will drop by to offer support and possibly induce a massive headache for Sicheng ge and Jungwoo hyung.” Xuxi snapped him out of his thoughts.

Jeno smiled at Xuxi and shook his head but thanked the other for the offer nonetheless. ‘ _Thinking about Na Jaemin is dangerous._ ’ Jeno huffed and returned to eating his food, trying to focus on how Xuxi’s gushing about Jungwoo. Jeno smirked at that and elbowed the elder playfully. “So where’s your ‘ _But we’ve only met for two weeks!_ ’ attitude from last week? This is peak whipped behavior you are exhibiting.” Xuxi choked as Jeno has the best of timing with his remarks. Laughing, he pat Xuxi’s back loudly, his amusement increasing by ten-fold as Shuhua also busted a lung at Xuxi’s downfall.

“Don’t ruin my cool guy façade!” Xuxi choked out in between coughs, causing Jeno to laugh louder when he saw Sicheng and Jungwoo approach them; Jungwoo was sporting a confused expression. He cackled louder seeing that Xuxi was completely oblivious of his future predicament. Grabbing his bag of snacks and resealed lunch, Jeno cackled when Xuxi finally saw Sicheng and Jungwoo approaching them and escaped the scene. He already lost his appetite anyway; he’ll just eat again later when Mark finally emerged from the swamp of work he was suddenly tasked to do.

He was jollily exiting the theater when he halted in his place abruptly. “Oh my goodness, this must be so painful. Fuck the bastard that decided to do this to you sweetie. Oh my god, oh my god.” It was Na Jaemin who was clutching a bleeding cat in his chest. Disregarding any animosity inside him against the other man, Jeno briskly approached Jaemin and crouched. “What happened to him?” He was breathless as anger and anxiety spiked inside him.

Jaemin sniffed and looked up at Jeno, his legs sprawled across the ground as he clutched the bleeding cat closer, uncaring or the stain of the blood on his white shirt. “I don’t know, I went out when I heard a pained meowing from where I was watching you earlier and I saw this little dude. I don’t know what to do.” Jeno felt his breath hitch when Jaemin choked back a sob as he cradled the cat. Deciding quickly, Jeno moved the plastic bag on his forearm and helped the crying brunette on his feet. “Come on, let’s quickly take him to the vet nearby.”

The Jeno with a clear and functioning brain would have ignored Jaemin. However, this is not that Jeno. This is the Jeno who is ‘ _albeit allergic to animal fur, he still absolutely adores furry creatures_ ’ and he felt his heart stop seeing the tears pooling at Jaemin’s eyes so he couldn’t even snatch the cat away. He hadn’t even noticed that he was holding Jaemin’s wrist tightly until they were in front of his motorcycle. Upon noticing, Jeno coughed and dropped Jaemin’s hand. He did not dwell on it as the cat meowed painfully again so he grabbed the helmet and placed it on Jaemin’s head. ‘ _I regret this lifestyle change; I should have brought my car out._ ’ He adjusted the vehicle to center stand so that he could help Jaemin mount for his hands are quite occupied.

“But what about you?” Jaemin asked as he settled on the seat and Jeno mounted as well, swiftly maneuvering so he was soon kicking the machine to life. “I’ll manage. Just hold tight.” Jeno answered curtly before speeding up.

Thankfully, the roads were clear of traffic – the time being in the middle of the day and everybody’s either at work or at school – and he wasn’t pulled over for over speeding so they got to the vet in a matter of three minutes. Jeno turned off the power quickly and helped Jaemin dismount, his heart thrumming against his ribcage as the meows were slowly getting weaker. As they went in, they were quickly assisted and the cat was inside the surgery room also in a matter of minutes.

“Will the little guy be alright?” Jaemin croaked out as Jeno came back from the reception area. Jeno did not look at Jaemin, opting to focus his gaze on the interior design of the receiving area. He could not focus at a single detail. “I genuinely do not know.” Jeno finally answered after realizing that the question had hung in the air, unanswered. He saw Jaemin nod in his periphery before shifting slightly in his seat, obviously in distress.

Jeno felt an itch to offer comfort but a petty voice inside him prevented him from doing so. Montages of pain and sorrow filled his head as he looked blankly at the painting in front of him. Flashes of rain amidst sunlight burned behind his lids as he closed them. Suddenly Jeno felt suffocated. The Jaemin that messed him up is the same one that’s currently sniffling beside him, staring at the door of the surgery room anxiously. The same person with the pink mop from before is the same brunette who’s anxiously fiddling at his blood-stained sweater. Jeno felt suffocated as the cognitive dissonance intensified. His mental image of the man beside him is not the same as the one he’s seeing right now. ‘ _I need to get out of here._ ’

Snatching his helmet, Jeno briskly turned towards the door. “J-Jeno?” He heard Jaemin call him, halting him in his steps. “Don’t worry about anything, my card will cover all the expenses. Just tell any of my friends if you’re unable to care for the cat for I’ll house him.” He’s thankful that his voice hadn’t cracked for he can feel the lump that is forming in his throat, a clear sign that if he doesn’t get the fuck out of there, he’s going to break apart.

He was about to push the door opened when he felt a pull on the edge of his shirt. Of course, it was Jaemin. “Thank you, I wouldn’t have known what to do.” He looks abashed and still distressed but a grateful smile was plastered on his face and Jeno doesn’t know what to do. He felt his head ache and his eyes burn. ‘ _I need to get out of here. I need to get out of here._ ’ Harshly pulling himself back, Jeno ignored the hurt that flashed inside Jaemin’s eyes as he glared at the other. “Don’t push it Na.”

He quickly went out and mounted his motorcycle as he hastily put on his helmet. He doesn’t understand what’s happening, he doesn’t want to understand anything. When Jaemin first declared that pursuit of his, it just further reinforced this mental image of an inconsiderate jerk inside Jeno’s head. But the Jaemin from earlier, the lost and distressed one that gingerly clutched the hurt cat as tears poured down his eyes, that’s not right. ‘ _It shouldn’t be. Na Jaemin is nothing but a manipulative and unfeeling jerk._ ’ Jeno bit his lips

‘ _Nothing makes sense anymore._ ’

Warmth filled his chest as he saw Jisung playing with the cat that they conveniently named ‘Tobey.’ It’s been years since he had moved out and consequently brought Jisung with him but it still feels overwhelming for him to see his younger brother happy every single time. ‘ _At least I got him out before they mess him up so much._ ’ He always thinks as Jisung smiles and enjoys the new life he had bought for the two of them.

Then there’s also Tobey who’s finally up on his feet and joyfully plays with Jisung. Despite the rejection, Jeno still constantly checked on the cat albeit quite coldly and briefly. Jaemin would take everything he can. ‘ _I still have two more chance apart from that time in the vet, so I’m still pretty lucky._ ’ It was sad but Jaemin knows that he shouldn’t wallow on it for now. He’s running out of time.

“Hyung, don’t you have classes?” Jisung called out from where he’s seated on the floor, not even bothering to raise his head to look at the older. Jaemin scrunched his nose but did not reprimanded the younger. “No, the professors have something to do so I only have the play to prepare for. The meeting won’t start until twelve anyway.” He answered and resumed on reading one of Chen Le’s textbooks.

Jaemin felt the seat beside him on the couch shuffle, and it was Jisung who’s now cradling the cat on his crossed legs as he nudged his brother. “So how are things with you and Jeno hyung?” Jaemin sighed and put the book down on his lap. Smiling woefully, he gently ruffled his brother’s hair. “I have two more chances to go.” Jisung hummed in understanding. Jaemin doesn’t really want to talk about it.

It was confusing to say the least but he figured that it is the least that he deserved with all the shit he had put Jeno under from before. At least Jeno’s being a decent human being unlike that previous persona of his. During the first three days following that, apart from caring for Tobey, he tried racking his brain for Jeno’s reaction. However, when the fourth day rolled in, he just gave up, fully aware that his braincells aren’t made for such complex thinking. ‘ _At least I have Chen Le and Dejun hyung to do most of the thinking, and Lele’s a Psychology major._ ’

Finally looking at the clock, Jaemin stood up to grab the brownies that he had baked the night prior. “Jisung-ah! I left some of the brownies for you to enjoy while we’re all out! Just don’t give Tobey any! He’ll die!” He shouted as he fetched his bag along the way, ruffling Jisung’s hair on his way out.

He hasn’t been taking his motorcycle out very much these days. At first, it was because he wanted to start building up a softer image but as the days and weeks had progressed, he genuinely started enjoying the exercise it offered him. He found himself enjoying the little greetings he would witness and partake in with the people in his community. He also found it enjoying to watch the bustling of the city as the trees sway back and forth along with the movement of the wind. ‘ _The exercise is really helping my brain develop._ ’ He thought sentimentally as he crossed the road.

Walking and taking the bus also forced him to prepare a lot earlier than he usually would when he was still riding his motorcycle to school. It did not take long for him to approach the university, and with a bright beam on his face, he skipped towards the theater happily. It was still a good thirty minutes before twelve and the members are known to be quite tardy so he’s a little glad that at least he can prepare himself.

Well, that was his original plan until he saw a figure that is slumped over the panelist table. Gently making his way down, Jaemin’s breath hitched upon seeing who the figure was. Placing the brownies gently on the table, he took the seat beside Jeno and silently observed the other. Propping his face on his hand, Jaemin gently smiled.

The play is not yet to premiere for another six months but the writers were given extremely tight schedules to at least finish the initial draft of the whole production. That was why Jeno, as the new Head Writer after Mark was appointed the new Director, has been in constant stress as he foresees the creative boards and editing processes. He is always the last to arrive due to his extensive researches and he is the last to leave as he continuously polished the script. Thus, the dark circles and the underbags that decorates Jeno’s eyes intensifies with each passing day.

Jaemin, though concerned, is extremely proud of Jeno. He’s not really at a position to say nor feel such presumption, but although it resulted in hostility against him, Jaemin can see the wings that Jeno is slowly gaining. It is extremely disheartening and heartbreaking that he was the cause of Jeno’s stagnancy and slump before, but there is still a selfish part inside him that wants to at least be part of Jeno’s world. He’s open to the possibility of rejection but while he still can, he wants to try his luck until it finally runs out.

Despite his newfound wisdom, he’s still the impulsive and idiotic Na Jaemin from before. He did not know what had gotten into him, it must be the dim lighting inside the theater or it must be the stuffy air. However, as Jeno slightly shifted for a better position, a smile had made its way onto his sleeping face. Jaemin suddenly had this urge to reach out and touch the sleeping male. So he did, he gently swept up the dry mop of blond hair away from Jeno’s face, getting a clearer vision of Jeno’s s face.

It feels like he was taken back in time. The Jeno in front of him, apart from the blond locks, highly resembles the Jeno he had messed up. The Jeno who will smile brightly at everyone especially at Jaemin, the Jeno who, though timid, will take it upon himself to approach Jaemin especially in particularly bad days, it was the Jeno who still saw the light and future in Jaemin even when everyone, even his brother, had lost hope and sight of it. It was the Jeno he took for granted. It was the Jeno that though no longer found for him, he still love.

‘ _Oh my god._ ’ The realization hit Jaemin like a truck. The theater suddenly felt a lot smaller and stuffy. He did not notice the he had slowly inched closer towards Jeno’s sleeping figure. Before he knew it, he was brushing off some stray hair from Jeno’s forehead and his lips was gently planted on it.

Jeno’s eyes shut open and just like that, the mirage shattered to the ground. “I-I’m so-” Jaemin tried to apologize but his words were cut short as Jeno stood up and quickly swung his fist. Jaemin did not saw it coming and the next thing he knew, he was on the floor, clutching his busted lips in surprise and regret. He shouldn’t have let his heart control his body before his mind could even comprehend. He was hauled up by his collar and he came face to face with Jeno’s angry face. He opened his mouth to explain his side but Jeno beat him to it.

“ _Just fucking leave me alone Na._ Don’t force me to impale you in anger.” Jeno threw him back harshly on the ground and Jaemin can see the tears that he’s trying to hold back. Standing up, he tried to reach out, only to pull back his hand when he heard Jeno’s sniffles.

Everything became a blur, too foggy, all he knows is that he has to leave because he’s such a fucking hazard to Jeno. ‘ _You just can’t do anything right, huh? You just had to fuck up again. Do you honestly think that by doing this, Jeno will even consider looking at you? Idiotic bastard._ ’ He did not know when it started, but his cheeks were wet with tears as he treaded the roads blindly.

With a blurry vision, he crossed the pedestrian, unknowing of the tragedy that he’s about to partake in. As his body collided onto something he couldn’t even process and identify, he forlornly thought about Jisung who only has the brownies to supply him energy, he thought about disappointing Dejun and Chen Le again with his thoughtless actions, and he thought of how he fucked up his few chances.

‘ _There goes my second rejection._ ’

Trembling all over, Jeno grasped at his fingers, hoping that it could somehow alleviate the shaking. He rubbed his hands together, pathetically and desperately wanting to remove the blood that has dried and is staining them. He never wished for this to happen. He hates Jaemin, the thing he has done, but he never wished for harm upon the other. Taking in a shaky breath, he looked at the blaring red light above the operation room despairingly.

‘ _Is this my fault?_ ’ He bit his lips, the memory of earlier surging inside him, hammering inside his skull. He was angry earlier, and he had said mean things with a majority he did not really mean but he didn’t really cause the accident. He wasn’t the fucking drunk driver that bulldozed towards Jaemin despite the traffic light being red and the victim was crossing the road in the pedestrian lane. Jeno shivered as the realization dawned on him. ‘ _Jaemin is a fucking victim right now. He’s a fucking victim of a hit and run and is now fighting for his life inside the operation room._ ’

He knows that it’s not his fault but something is gnawing inside him, eating him up, and willing him to vomit. He pushed the bile down as he hugged his legs closer to him, his shaking intensifying as minutes pass by without any sliver of hope. The silence of the night is killing him and the scent of disinfectant is intensifying the clawing at his chest.

“Jeno-yah!” Jeno looked up with tears in his eyes. It was his brother. “H-hyung…” He croaked out, letting his legs drop back to the floor as he reached out tearfully. “Shhh… I’m here now.” Doyoung engulfed him into his arms, and for a while, Jeno was submerged into a blanket of warm comfort. This did not last very long though as rushed footsteps and soft sobs piqued his attention. “N-Nana hyung…” At that, Jeno raised his head from Doyoung’s shoulder.

Jeno felt his heart totally shatter seeing the newcomer. It was Jisung, Jaemin’s younger brother, accompanied Dejun, Mark’s classmate. He pulled away from Doyoung, braced himself, and approached the distressed boy. “J-Jisung?” He called out upon realizing that the boy hasn’t realized his presence there yet. The two looked at him in surprise but Jeno was even more caught off-guard when Jisung lunged at him and hugged him tightly. Jeno felt his eyes burn but he held it in; he held it in for the sake of the child in his arms that’s about to lose his last remaining family because of a freak mistake Jeno committed.

“H-hyung, the hospital called and they told us that Nana hyung is in critical condition. He’ll be alright, right hyung?” Jisung croaked out as he pulled a little from the embrace, looking up at Jeno. “I sincerely don’t know Jisung-ah. However, I know your hyung, Jaemin is a stubborn idiot. He will fight this.” He hugged the child tighter, tucking in Jisung’s head into his chest as he looked at the doors of the Operation Room. “He has to fight. _He has to._ ”

It did not take long for Jisung to grow weary from crying, especially since he had just gotten out of school and rushed here as soon as the hospital had called their house. He was now sleeping on the chairs while being supported by Dejun. Jeno sighed and palmed his forehead. “Hyung, what happened really?” It was Chen Le. He came a little late for he had evening classes and had only received the message after his classes had ended.

“I-I’m not sure. We had an argument before he left the theater and then, when I left ten minutes later, I saw a commotion on the highway, and t-there he was… s-sprawled out and bloody.” Jeno bit his lips, trying to prevent himself from crying in front of someone that’s younger than he is. He suddenly craves his hyung but Doyoung had went out to buy food and beverages for the five of them. He was taken out of his thoughts when Chen Le offered a gentle pat on his shoulder. “It’s alright to cry hyung.”

And like a dam that was opened, his tears started cascading ceaselessly. He’s shaking as retelling the accident was like reliving the moment that he saw Jaemin’s almost mangled and bloody body. The other was having a hard time breathing but Jeno can still see the way his eyes suddenly lit up when Jeno ran to him, carefully clutching his hand to keep him awake while the ambulance was on its way. He can see the smile that Jaemin tried so hard to muster, wishing to comfort him even when he was the one on the street fighting for his life.

“I-I’m so sorry. Oh my god, it’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have swung at him. I should have let him explain. It’s all my fault-” Jeno started rambling as he buried his face on his hands. The younger stopped him with his gentle hands on his shoulders. “Hyung, hyung. Please look at me.” And Jeno did, despite the guilt that’s gnawing at him and it’s such a fortune that he did. He could not understand why, but Chen Le is smiling at him gently and comfortingly.

“None of this was your fault. Nobody is blaming you, not even Jisung-ie. We know Jaemin hyung enough to understand that he must have pushed you into the corner again, thus, your outburst.” The younger gently squeezed Jeno’s shoulders in assurance as he slowly walked away from where Dejun and Jisung was seated. Jeno supposed it’s for a little privacy. “If you don’t mind, what did hyung do that infuriated you before he left?” And despite the earlier hesitance to tell his brother, it feels a lot easier to tell Chen Le without feeling terrible. It felt like even if he’s Jaemin’s friend, he would still understand Jeno’s feelings.

“H-he kissed me in my sleep. Just on the forehead though but I still got so angry because I felt violated, I felt like I will regress back into the Jeno that I was; the Jeno that was too hung up on him to actually think for himself and the people that really matters.” He croaked out, wiping his tears pathetically as Chen Le gently encouraged him to go on. “I feel so bad because he just wanted to give me the brownies he baked.” He sobbed.

“That idiot. I told him not to do anything reckless.” Chen Le sighed but Jeno can see that there was no bite in his words, only slight disappointment. “So there goes his second rejection.” Jeno inhaled deeply as he tried to even his breathing and looked at Chen Le. The younger opened up the Pandora’s box of what Jaemin was muttering even when his consciousness was slowly slipping. “Shall we walk around for a while? I’ll fill you in.” The younger smiled and Jeno nodded.

“I know that you are angry at him and annoyed at his persistence and Jaemin hyung actually knows that. Wait, that’s wrong, he was persistent and I slapped him hard with facts.” Chen Le chuckled but Jeno could see that his eyes were bearing burden and exhaustion. “For your sake, Nana hyung made a vow that he’ll totally let you go after three rejections. He wants to earn back your affections but knowing what he did, we were doubtful. That’s why he settled with that compromise, in an implicit act of respect.”

They turned the corner, the Operation Room was now out of their sight. “Now, he has exhausted two of his chances. I’m not telling you this to guilt-trip you and manipulate you into being with him, no, I don’t condone that shit. However, I would just like to fill you in with the reason of his persistence and diligence.” Chen Le hummed but he still kept his eyes in front of them. “He had really changed, you know? I didn’t believe that he would follow through with his vow nor respect your decision whenever you push him away, but he actually did.” Chen Le smiled and Jeno can’t speak for everything’s just too much to take in.

“He actually reformed. He no longer sleeps around, he doesn’t even talk with his jock peers after he started pursuing you again. After so many years, we finally have our pure, albeit idiotic, Nana. We don’t know the future for the two of you, but I’m glad that you are here to inspire change in him. I’m still angry that you have to suffer so much first before he got back into his senses, but still, thank you.” Chen Le stopped walking and faced Jeno. Jeno felt his breath hitch when Chen Le suddenly beamed brightly at him. “Even if Jaemin hyung will finally exhaust his three chances and you finally reject him for good, I’m sure he’ll be fine and he won’t return to the toxic path he had before.” Jeno’s not sure about that but Chen Le’s next words left a mark in his head. “Not when he finally knows the taste of freedom from his past. So don’t be pressured to take him back. Whatever happens in that OR, Nana hyung exhausted his efforts, so he has no regrets.”

Soon, they were back in front of the Operating Room and Jisung is up again and is eating dinner with Dejun and Doyoung. “Come children, eat something. Gain some strength while we wait.” Jeno feels grateful to have his brother and Doyoung did not even ask him any intrusive questions when he called him in distress earlier. He just rushed here and then took on the mother hen role. Approaching him, Jeno hugged his seated brother. “Thank you for everything hyung.” Doyoung chuckled and just pushed him to sit beside him as he gave Chen Le his portion before giving Jeno his.

They were all silent once again. Finally gaining a decent perception of the full picture, Jeno decides what he’ll do. Momentarily putting down his porridge for a while, he looked at the four, a small smile on his face. “I’ll move on and when I finally moved on, I’ll let him in.” He looked at Chen Le particularly who looked surprised. “You don’t have to-” Chen Le started and Jeno understands that the younger must feel like he’s just doing this because of guilt. “But I want to. As I saw him slumped on the street, bloody, and as I held his hand as he smiled at me sweetly, I saw the boy that I fell in love with. I want to have that.”

Doyoung doesn’t seem pleased with his decision but Jeno is thankful that despite this, his elder brother still smiled and nodded knowingly. Jisung was already crying as he bit his lips and uttered a soft ‘Thank you’ at Jeno. Dejun just offered a smile as he comforted the youngest. ‘ _You hear that Na Jaemin? That’s why you have to fight this, I have to move on from you._ ’ Jeno looked at the Operation Room longingly before turning back into his food.

Jaemin’s body had recuperated and the casts on his forearm and leg were now off. Now that he’s healed, Jeno no longer has any reason to put up with his presence any longer. In the first place, the slightly older was never obliged to do anything for him. Jeno doesn’t have to pick him up every morning and drive the both of them to the university, he doesn’t have to coerce Jaemin to join the play production just so he could send the latter home everyday, he doesn’t have to buy baguettes everyday because Jaemin is unable to in the time being and Jisung just had to have his daily dose of the bread, he doesn’t have to silently take care of Jaemin’s lunches nor is he obliged to feed the latter due to the injury of his dominant hand and his inability to use chopsticks; no, Lee Jeno has every right in the world to just get up and let Jaemin fend for himself after already bringing him to the hospital after his vehicular accident.

However, Jeno isn’t like that. Jeno did those things because that’s what he is, that’s who he is. The world might be unfair and cruel towards him but Jeno will never spite at it. ‘ _Just at himself._ ’ Jaemin thought bitterly but the recent weeks had been good to Jeno’s self-esteem. They don’t talk deeply apart from the shallow conversations he stubbornly holds but Jaemin can see that whatever Lucas did with Jeno, it surely greatly helped in boosting the latter’s confidence, thus, his self-esteem. Jeno, though still no longer donning on the cute sweaters he used to wear before, seemed to gain a glow and happiness that’s inherently his and not anchored to the whims and sugar-coated idiocy Jaemin used to feed him before.

As he looked back to the few months that he had spent with Jeno, he had learned a few things. He still loved Jeno, heck, he thinks that with all that has happened, his feelings just intensified. Despite that though, he has learned to respect the other’s individuality (and okay maybe binging on Chen Le’s _Theories of Personality_ textbook wasn’t a good idea for now he’s absolutely hooked on Erich Fromm’s concept of Love). As he both experienced Jeno’s kindness whilst the other maintained a healthy distance between the two of them, Jaemin realized that even if he had to deal with various degrees of sorrow later, he doesn’t really want to impose and assert himself on Jeno just because he loved him. He finally understood that it was both his bad decisions and bad luck that prevented him for appreciating, accepting, and reciprocating Jeno’s feelings.

Just like he promised his friends, he’ll give up and will let Jeno go with an open mind after three rejections. ‘ _I’ve used up my two chances._ ’ He smiled sadly both at the memory and the confused expression that Jeno was wearing as he approached him on the bench which Jaemin was waiting after that quick message. He hadn’t expected that Jeno would come, especially since there’s no reason to, but Jaemin is still glad that he was given at least even a fraction of Jeno’s time. ‘ _This is the final rejection._ ’ Ignoring the clawing at his chest and throat, Jaemin took out freshly baked muffins he had picked up along the way and handed them to Jeno whose whole face lit up cutely. ‘ _At least there are two constant things even after all this is done and over with, and that is, one, he’ll forever be infatuated at snacks and pastries and two, he will no longer mask his emotions._ ’

“Thanks for this. I am famished.” Jeno sat beside Jaemin and started gobbling down the food. Jaemin laughed and patted Jeno’s back when the latter accidentally choked on it. “You haven’t had breakfast again, have you?” Jaemin clicked his tongue when Jeno shook his head, his hair now showing dark roots which are yet to be touched up. “Mark hyung called me in early to help Xuxi make final checks on the play. It’s times like this that I hate that I am the head writer. I literally joined as a minor writer, slash, proofreader, then Jihoon sunbae had to quit the director position and Mark hyung had to take his place, leaving me with the most brain frying task.” Jeno pouted as he continued on chomping down the innocent muffins.

Jaemin laughed at that, he learnt that Jeno loved participating in the play and he loves writing so much. “Nah, that’s just your fatigue speaking. Don’t worry, it’s just two more weeks and the production will be over and you’ll have all the time to rest until the next school year.” He offered comfortingly, receiving a gentle hum in response and he knows that this is the end of their casual small talks. Jaemin wished more but he now knows better than to dive deeper when he has no business doing so.

Taking a deep breath, he tapped Jeno’s shoulder, urging the older to look at him. ‘ _I’ll finally exhaust my third rejection._ ’ “Is it fine if I tell you some things? It’s not really long but I think I’ll disintegrate if ever you cut me off halfway, so I want to ask your permission? So that if you don’t really want to talk to me, I’ll spare us the trouble and stop.” It was not snarky nor vile, just sheepish and embarrassed, and maybe a tad bit nervous. He’s prepared to receive the rejection without even having the chance to explain himself, but Jaemin, oh foolish Jaemin, still hopes that at least his third rejection wasn’t in the form of his silence.

Thankfully, Jeno hummed and smiled quite reservedly and although Jaemin is still wishing to see the unabashed and bright beam Jeno used to show him before, he thinks that this is more than enough for what he actually deserves. Taking in a deep breath, he closed his breath and exhaled slowly before opening his eyes again. “Thank you. Thank you very much.” Jaemin breathed out before finally opening his Pandora’s box. “Okay, I’ll use up all my chances.” Jaemin smiled at Jeno who averted his gaze. Jaemin tried hard not to show the sting it caused him.

“I just want to tell you my truth before I finally let you go.” He started, his head hung as he refused to look at Jeno in fear of stuttering and totally blowing his last bits of pride. ‘ _If I look at him I might just suddenly drop on my knees and beg that he accept my love._ ’ He snickered mentally at how pathetic he had turned out. “When you snapped and finally had enough with me, I was confused. I thought that I hated you before that was why I kept on... I kept on toying with you. I’m so sorry for all the shit that I had put you through.” Jaemin felt his throat closing up but he swallowed his tears down and continued. ‘ _I don’t want him to think that I’m using my emotionality to manipulate him._ ’ “When you stopped being a constant in my pathetic life, I was angry especially since you started hanging out with Lee Donghyuck. This made me realize of all my inadequacies, my flaws, and how much of a shitshow my law actually is. Lee Donghyuck is… to put it bluntly, everything that I can never be even if I had to beg, kneel, bleed, and cry. That’s probably why despite his and his peers’ indifference towards me, I still actively try to vilify him at every chance I had. That’s why I was selfishly pleased when you ignored them as well, totally ignorant of your deep relationship with them.” Jaemin smiled bitterly as he reminisced his idiocy and terrible ways.

“I was stupid. I was ecstatic to see you back after being MIA for so long but I pushed away that in favor of my miserable ways. I caused a scene which hurt you again. I kept on objectifying you again and again and never regarded your feelings. Even when I first professed my prospect of pursuing you, I never considered how much embarrassment I was causing you. I did not even think that publicly declaring that was some sort of manipulation in and of itself. To be honest, if Chen Le hadn’t snapped at me for my insensitivity in pursuing you, I would have been relentless.” Jaemin paused, preparing himself. “I made a pledge, to my friends, my brother, and myself that I will not force you nor manipulate you. I continued my pursuit under the condition that after three rejections from that point, I would stop and let you go.” He heard Jeno’s breath hitch beside him but Jaemin still refused to look up and is now fiddling with his fingers. At this point, the burning in his eyes had worsen. His vision rapidly blurred and soon, tears started dropping on the concrete. He swallowed the lump in his throat.

“How many times have I rejected you?” Jaemin heard Jeno ask quietly beside him, he saw from where his head was hung how Jeno placed down the muffins and shifted his body facing him. Jaemin shook his head and wiped his eyes. “Twice and I’m now here to collect the last one.” He finally lifted his head and smiled at Jeno. Just like in their terse interactions brought upon by the accident, Jeno looked neutral and distant; Jaemin cannot blame him.

“Before you officially do though, I would just like to say thank you. Thank you for the years you’ve wasted on the garbage that I was. Thank you for persisting even when I did not deserve your affections. Thank you for making me desire change and improvement for myself. Although I started out my journey with the goal of taking you back from my archenemy, I genuinely wanted to change for the better as the days went by. Because of you, I was able to reflect on myself and became a better brother for Jisung and a better friend towards Dejun hyung and Lele.” Jaemin stopped wiping his tears and just let it flow ceaselessly as he smiled brightly. “Amongst all, thank you very much for your sacrifice in the past few months. I could have managed, one way or another, but you still went out of your way to not only juggle your studies and the play but also do so much for me. You did not need to but you still did. I know that you hate me but you still found it in you to-” His speech was cut short when he was abruptly pulled into Jeno’s embrace.

‘ _Okay… what-_ ’ Jaemin felt his brain short-circuit, for even if he’s already reformed from his foolish ways, his brain is still getting used to the concept of being used and to be suddenly engulfed in the embrace of the man he’s been pining patiently for months, it’s just too much stimulation for his poor brain and heart. He gathered his senses when he felt vibrations in his chest and shoulders. “Are… you crying Jeno?” He tried slowly, worried but still hesitant around the other considering their emotional and psychological distance.

“Y-you idiot!” Jaemin flinched but he set aside the pain considering that that was Jeno’s constant insult. “You fucking idiot.” Jeno sobbed and Jaemin felt him bury his face on the crook of his shoulders. At this point, his confusion has hit an all-time high but he just prepared himself of the string of insults that Jeno will throw at him. “I don’t hate you _Nana._ ” Jaemin choked at his own saliva upon hearing the nickname.

After changing into the ‘Ice Prince’ that Jaemin woefully regards him, Jeno had constantly regarded him by his last name with a string of hatred laced in it. Having Jeno call him by his first name was already more than a century of development, but now, Jeno’s calling him by his childhood nickname. “W-what did you call me Jen?” Jaemin croaked out, his mind still critical of the auditory stimulus it just received. Jeno laughed gently from where his face was buried and Jaemin can feel the vibration tickling his skin.

“ _Nana_. I don’t hate you.” Jeno repeated. “I don’t want to hear the rest.” Jaemin bit his lips and although he feels terrible that he can’t fully explain himself to Jeno, he respects Jeno’s decision and he wouldn’t prod. “It’s okay, I understand. After this, I wouldn’t bother you anymore. I fully support you and Lucas if you finally get together-” Jaemin was cut off again mid-sentence when Jeno pulled back quickly, his face morphed in something that highly resembles disgust. “Uh…” Jaemin croaked out, wishing to understand what he had done wrong again but of course, his brain just wouldn’t help him.

Jeno sighed as he cupped Jaemin’s face. Jaemin felt his blood rush to his head, his whole face until his neck heating up that he is so sure he’d combust. His heart skipped as Jeno smiled gently at him. “First and foremost, Xuxi and I will never happen. Apart from he’s literally dating Jungwoo hyung, I know it in my heart that I can never handle him and his overgrown puppy tendencies.” Just when Jaemin thought that his confusion was already at an all-time high, he was just disproven as his head blanked out. “I cannot understand.” He whispered timidly to Jeno who just squished his cheeks. It wasn’t painful, in fact, it felt _gentle_.

“I was really angry at you back then. Imagine, I wasted so many years off my youth following you around like a lost puppy and then you had to do that shit in the greenhouse where I frequented. I felt like I was going to go insane.” Jeno pulled back, a nostalgic smile painting his face. Jaemin can’t place a finger on what he’s actually feeling for that nostalgia isn’t something he expected. “I’m sure you knew but I ran. I ran and ran until I ended up in this deserted playground near an equally deserted gas station. I was very lost then because even with my lack of self-esteem, I know that I did nothing to warrant such pain to be inflicted on me. That’s when I met Xuxi. In the lowest point of my life, just when I thought that the string would finally snap, he offered a thicker rope for me to haul myself up.”

Jaemin bit his lips for his actions back then was full of malice but Jeno was here, actually offering him a smile. Another onset of tears cascaded down his face and this time, he can no longer ignore the tightening in his chest. Clutching it, he crouched and covered his face with his other hand. “I’m so sorry Jeno. I was really selfish, mean, cruel, and you did not deserve that. Oh my god, I’m so sorry-” His torso was suddenly propelled up as he felt he was forced to look at Jeno.

“Idiot. That wasn’t the main point of it all. Listen, will you?” Jeno clicked his tongue but Jaemin could see that it was playful. He sniffled and nodded. “The thing is, I was angry. To be honest, now, there are still times when anger would bubble inside me. When I see your Cheshire smile directed at one of the crowds you used to fuck before, irritation would flare inside me, thus, my bursts of anger. I’m sorry for those times, I just can’t handle myself well.” Jeno was rubbing his nape. Jaemin reached out to stop him from apologizing, for who is he really to deserve any form of apology when he’s done more vile things against Jeno?

“D-don’t apologize, I-I-” Jaemin stuttered, not knowing where to properly place his hands. He stopped panicking when Jeno started laughing gently. “I told you to listen.” Holding Jaemin’s shoulder down, Jeno’s face turned serious but it was not bringing him any discomfort for there was still a hint of gentleness marring Jeno’s features. “I thought that I had moved on from you but I hadn’t. Hostility was not the way and your accident has further solidified that, that was why I did what I did.” Jeno paused before the smile was back again. “I am not a martyr, Nana. I’m not kind nor am I selfless. I did what I did for myself. Hostility was not the way for I had to accept that you’re a human. I had to debunk the stereotypes and assumptions I had of you, for only then will I able to truly move on.”

Jaemin smiled softly and his eye turned downcast. ‘ _It’s here._ ’ He’ll finally end this chase he had inconsiderately put Jeno in and although it will hurt like a bitch, he’ll be fine. “I did move on but I also want to try making things work with you.” A few beats of silence had passed. Blinking, Jaemin’s jaw dropped. “… What?”

It seemed that Jeno had expected that response as he laughed and engulfed Jaemin into a sweet embrace. “Let’s try if this will work. I now know that humans are complex, fickle, unstable, and more. You were a jerk, a fucking asshole, but I also know that the Jaemin that I voluntarily helped back on his feet is genuine. It’s such a shame that you had to go through such a rough ordeal before I realized that just like everybody else, you’re human that is a product of your experiences, but now that I do realize it, I figured out that I still want to try being with you.” He heard Jeno paused but not for long. “Let’s not promise anybody that we will last. Let’s just watch where we end up, how we end up, and if we’ll actually last. No more coercion and manipulation?”

Jeno pulled back, his gaze soft and gentle and Jaemin smiled brightly as he bobbed his head enthusiastically. “No more.”

**Author's Note:**

> It's finally done. 😭 I literally crammed 50% of this in the past few days. 😭 
> 
> First and foremost, I would like to thank Mod Milk 🥛 for their extreme patience and understanding. Thank you very much for conducting this fest. 🥺
> 
> I would also like to thank Jez, my bestie for listening to my countless rants and my word dump on her whenever I thought of something for this fic. 💞 Thank you for listening to me tirelessly even when we're no longer talking about this fic. 😶 You'll finally read this trash!!! 🤣
> 
> I would also like to dedicate this to Cale. I hope this will give your heart a little warmth even for a little while.
> 
> Also to the prompter! Thank you for sending in your prompt! I'm so sorry it turned into this mess. 😣 I hope you liked it though? 😅
> 
> P.S.: It's a terrible idea to cram more than 8k words in less than a week. Manage your time wisely sweeties!  
> P.P.S.: The title's kinda cringy. 🤢


End file.
